Meet a LION Client

What follows is a composite account of Annie Pesskin’s therapy with LION clients.  All identifying details have been changed, but the feelings evoked are true to the work.

Beginnings

Molly arrived at an early session of our work together wearing skin-tight leggings, big trainers and an oversize Puffa jacket, which she took off somewhat apologetically to reveal the six-month baby bump beneath it. 

“I am getting on a bit now, aren’t I?”

I asked, “How has it been, to be pregnant?”

She went on to tell me she had been really sick the first few months, but was feeling a lot better since she had had her 20 week scan.  In those early sessions I had learnt her parents had broken up when she was 4 and then her Mum’s problems with drugs had escalated until Social Services had got involved when she was 7, at which point she and her older brother had been fostered, but with different families.  She hadn’t seen her Dad again until she looked him up two years ago, when she turned 18.  He hadn’t been in good shape physically, looking much older than his 52 years, and he hadn’t seemed particularly keen to see her again after their initial meeting.

“What about your Mum?” I had asked.

“Well, she is alive, but kind of, you know? I suppose it’s the crack.  It hasn’t left much of her, you know what I mean?  Anyway, I am not that bothered because it is my Nan I have kept up with and she is great – she had my Mum at 20, so she is only 60 now and in pretty good shape.  She says she will help me with the baby.”

There was a wistful tone in Molly’s voice.  I wondered if she wished her Mum and her Dad were more interested in this coming grandchild, but thought to myself that this might not be a feeling she would want to give much air time to.

“And what about the baby’s Dad.  Is he excited?”

“Oh yes, he is.  He said when I got pregnant that it was finally a chance for us to make a proper family.  He grew up in care too, you see.”

Molly had been referred to me by her Social Worker because there was concern about domestic violence in her relationship.  It seemed Police had been called to a fight in which Molly had been seen with bruises but had subsequently decided not to press charges against Jake (the boyfriend).

“And how is the relationship going, now that you’re pregnant?” I asked.

Molly paused, looked down, stroking the fluffy velvet scrunchie she had in her lap. “Well, we get into fights a bit.  I mean, I give as good as I get you know. No-one gets to put me down without some push back, you know what I mean?”  She smiled proudly and I, without quite realising I was doing it, found myself grinning back at her.

Molly went on to describe how their fights were normally about jealousy.  She told me Jake had had a difficult time growing up, that his Dad had not been in his life, that he had been taken into care when he was 10 as his Mum had neglected him, but had then kept his younger sister, and that they weren’t in contact right now.  I asked why not and Molly said she thought his Mum had taken against her and wasn’t pleased she was pregnant, had even been saying she didn’t believe Jake was the Dad and other mean things.

“Has she even met you?” I asked.  “No”, Molly said, a little sadly.   As I recognised my feeling of outrage, I noted the maternal concern she evoked and felt we had made a good start and that our therapeutic alliance would hopefully endure.

A Year Into Therapy

Molly was pushing the buggy back and forth in my consulting room hoping to keep baby Tina asleep who she said had fallen asleep on the way to see me.

“How kind of Tina to let you have the space to talk to me”, I observed.  Molly smiled brightly and said, “She’s good as gold, she really is.  My Nan has agreed to have her on my session day as well, which I am pleased about, because it will be nice to have something just for me, you know?”

I looked at Molly’s tired eyes and remembered how exhausting I had found the first six months of having my first baby. I found myself wondering how she managed on her own.  As if reading my mind, she said, “My friend Amy is a godsend, she is just across the corridor and we help each other a lot. The babies are only two weeks apart so it is nice to have her right there.”

“And Jake?” I asked.  Molly sighed and said she had found out he had been cheating on her with at least two other girls and that when she had confronted him with the screenshots she had taken of his snapchats with them (having snooped on his phone), he had counter-accused her of texting a boy from her old school, which she said she hadn’t even done, but he had gone ballistic anyway and started smashing up her room, then pulled a knife on her in front of the baby.  Amy had overheard the ruckus and called the Police who had then arrested him and now Jake was on remand and the Police had taken a statement and wanted to know if she would press charges this time.

“I feel really conflicted. On the one hand what he has done is obviously wrong. It definitely wasn’t OK to pull a knife out in front of the baby.  I don’t want her growing up seeing that shit. But I also doubt the time he will get in prison will change anything and that I worry he will come out full of vengeful feelings towards me, blaming me for being inside and stuff. How can that be any good for Tina’s relationship with him?” she wondered.

I said, “You feel guilty for pressing charges but you know what he did wasn’t OK”.

“Yes exactly”, agreed Molly.  “But I also think if I don’t press charges, he will not get that his actions have consequences. And then how will he ever learn?” She paused, then said, “I am tired of being his pin cushion”. I was struck by her use of the phrase ‘pin cushion’. We had often spoken in sessions about how as a child, when there was no money for groceries or new school shoes or something else they really needed, or just when her Mum was feeling overwhelmed by the task of parenting generally, it would feel like she stuck pins in Molly, blaming her for things that I had pointed out as a child she really wasn’t responsible for.

I raised my eyebrows. “I know, I know!” said Molly, “I am hoping I can change what happened with Mum by believing I can make Jake behave differently”.  She was silent for a minute, looking at the flowers on my table.  “Thing is, we both know he won’t”.  I was silent too.  The sadness hung between us.

Two Years into Therapy

Molly arrived looking pretty chipper, carrying quite a bling-y handbag and wearing new Ugg boots. 

“Well, things are going really well with Dale”.

“Oh?” I asked.

“Yes.  The other day we got into a fight about this old girlfriend of his, I was being jealous and I guess I was being quite provoking. Anyway, he asked for ‘Time Out’ and he went for a walk and while he was out, I thought about how you say, ‘Molly – come now, don’t assume someone is trying to reject you until they actually do!’ I realised I was just feeling really insecure about the relationship and so when he came back in, I told him and he just hugged me and said, “I know you do this.  I understand why because we have talked about Little Molly and how she feels unlovable. But you don’t have to worry.  You are lovable because I love you”. It really helped.  I think it helps that Tina thinks he is great too. Whenever she sees him, she grins and claps her hands. Probably ‘cos he plays a lot with her.  He wants to take us to Millets Farm next weekend! Jake never took us anywhere, and if we did go, I would always have to pay.  Dale even bought me these shoes!” Molly held her ankle out in front of me showing off her new buff, suede boots.

“Beautiful”, I said. “You spoke to him about Little Molly, then?”

Molly nodded.  “It really hit home when we spoke about it last week.  How she always hoped her Dad would come and visit on family visiting days, send her a card on her birthday or Christmas and stuff, but how he never did and that it made her feel really shit.  And then he wasn’t remotely interested when I looked him up when I turned 18.  How that sets me up to feel easily rejected and then I get fight-y instead of feeling sad.  It made sense, what we were saying last week, about how I used to get into fights at school a lot when I felt someone was dissing me.  And why I would fight Jake and feel so jealous when he behaved like the alley cat he is. Although that was pretty pointless, now I look back at it”.

I sat quietly, thinking about how much sense Molly had been able to make of her difficult past over the last two years of therapy and how green shoots, in the shape of her new relationship with Dale, were appearing.  I remained cautious about her potential for over-optimism.  But on the plus side, it sounded like Dale was a big improvement on Jake – he had loving parents who had met Molly and had been nice to her and Tina, he was doing an apprenticeship and said he hoped to eventually save up to buy his own car. In the meantime, they were thinking about living together, but not rushing into anything.   Molly was looking forward to starting an access course with a view to becoming a beautician, once Tina had started nursery and would get 15 hours free childcare a week.

“It seems like things are in a much better place these days”, I said.

“Yes”, said Molly.  “I don’t know where I would be without the therapy to be honest.  Maybe like Amy – pregnant again - and thinking Jake would magically transform into Prince Charming!”

Trust is the glue of life. It is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing in the world to get back.